[of course she remembers it. it drifts in and out, dream that it was, but she remembers the parts with Rose. that conversation is one of the most recent and most powerfully happy dreams she's had, and she's been hanging on to it for dear life.]
Don't worry. I know we're both just doing our best.
[her fingers slowly slip underneath Rose's hand, into her palm, until she's. holding hands with her and trying not to draw attention to it. and Anna had hoped she'd be able to fill the silence with something after saying that, even if it was just platitudinal bullshit, but she can't even come up with something meaningless. nice going.]
[She has half a mind to copy Anna from back in that dream, call it gay with a smile but appreciating it all the same. It'd be a bit easier, take some of the levity of this situation.
But she just holds her hand back, her grip tight yet fragile as she keeps her head bowed, swallowing the lump in her throat. She does not want to cry, especially when even now, there's a part of her that's embarrassed enough by this as is. Rose always picks herself back up no matter what happens. No matter what life throws at her, no matter how she gets hurt. That's how it's had to be for as long as she could remember. That's how it always is, even now.
She's not an idiot though. No matter what she tells herself, just for a little while, she needs this.]
Thanks for coming. [Her voice cracks, and she swallows past the lump again.] I didn't think I'd ever care about getting visitors, but. Guess I do.
[she just wishes for once—for once, after knowing Rose for nearly a fucking decade, that she would know what to say. that she could be open about things like this. that emotions weren't so fucking hard. she sees people like Kara, like Lillian, like Rose's own blue-haired bubbly sister who just let themselves talk about how they feel about each other and themselves and it pisses her off. it's so fucking unbelievably frustrating that saying a handful of words is harder than fighting her way here in the first place was.]
[She says the words thickly before she can think too hard and chicken out. The why isn't something she can bring herself to say—fuck, she can hardly even bring herself to think about it. But that dream, that memory, isn't something she could forget even if she wanted to.
If she's really a walking parasite though, a ticking time-bomb just waiting to set off and destroy the world, well. Maybe she should be alone. Maybe that's safer.
(Never mind how much the mere thought of it terrifies her.)]
[Anna starts squeezing Rose's hand a little harder as soon as she hears what she's saying. this flower... she can only begin to understand what it's doing to her best friend. but Anna isn't going to let that change her answer here. it still takes a few seconds for her response to come, but she's not nearly as frustrated with herself when it does.]
There's a lot of things I don't do that I probably should.
[she wants it to be a joke, but she's struggling to even begin to sound lighthearted. she swallows and it feels heavy.]
I don't care if you think you "should" be alone. [ah, there we go. this is the certainty she'd wanted to speak with. why is it easier when it feels like she's admonishing Rose for something? even if that's not the tone she's taking.] You need people more than ever right now. I'm not abandoning you.
[She holds Anna's hand just as tight, wishing she could bring herself to believe those words. It's not about Anna, because if it was up to her, Rose knows she'd stay true to that no matter what. That she wouldn't abandon her.
But the app's a fickle thing. How many times now has she grown closer to someone on it, really felt like she could trust them, only for them to forget everything she ever said? She knows it's not exactly leaving her. They're still in her life, still friends at the end of the day. It's not like they chose to abandon her.
Still, it's not the same either.]
You can't promise that. [There's no judgment in her voice though, no accusation or disappointment. Just a statement, a fact.] But I mean, no one can. The app really hates us, y'know?
[not to belabor the fuckin' point, but she wishes that she could save every one of them. but that's not how it played out for A2, so why should that change with Anna?]
I can't promise it. But I can do my best. For as long as I'm on the app, I'll be here to help you through all this shit. And if I ever fall off, you're still not... you still won't lose me. [not all the way. just like this. just in ways where she can actually be concerned about what's happening to Rose. where they can find common ground about their monstrous transformations and what it means for their lives.]
[she brings up her other hand and places it on top of Rose's. what she says next is fucking stupid and she hates herself for it, but she hasn't forgotten it even though it's been. years and years and years since she's had reason to call Rose this.]
[She tries to laugh, and it comes out pretty watery, but there's still something of a smile on her face.]
Fuck man, you're gonna make me cry if you keep saying shit like that.
[But it's what she needed to hear. Even if Anna isn't on the app, they'll always have their past together, and that just has to be enough right now. It's better than nothing. It's better than the idea of being absolutely, truly alone.
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Don't worry. I know we're both just doing our best.
[her fingers slowly slip underneath Rose's hand, into her palm, until she's. holding hands with her and trying not to draw attention to it. and Anna had hoped she'd be able to fill the silence with something after saying that, even if it was just platitudinal bullshit, but she can't even come up with something meaningless. nice going.]
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But she just holds her hand back, her grip tight yet fragile as she keeps her head bowed, swallowing the lump in her throat. She does not want to cry, especially when even now, there's a part of her that's embarrassed enough by this as is. Rose always picks herself back up no matter what happens. No matter what life throws at her, no matter how she gets hurt. That's how it's had to be for as long as she could remember. That's how it always is, even now.
She's not an idiot though. No matter what she tells herself, just for a little while, she needs this.]
Thanks for coming. [Her voice cracks, and she swallows past the lump again.] I didn't think I'd ever care about getting visitors, but. Guess I do.
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[she just wishes for once—for once, after knowing Rose for nearly a fucking decade, that she would know what to say. that she could be open about things like this. that emotions weren't so fucking hard. she sees people like Kara, like Lillian, like Rose's own blue-haired bubbly sister who just let themselves talk about how they feel about each other and themselves and it pisses her off. it's so fucking unbelievably frustrating that saying a handful of words is harder than fighting her way here in the first place was.]
[this silence is a fucking embarrassment.]
I'm not gonna leave you alone.
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[She says the words thickly before she can think too hard and chicken out. The why isn't something she can bring herself to say—fuck, she can hardly even bring herself to think about it. But that dream, that memory, isn't something she could forget even if she wanted to.
If she's really a walking parasite though, a ticking time-bomb just waiting to set off and destroy the world, well. Maybe she should be alone. Maybe that's safer.
(Never mind how much the mere thought of it terrifies her.)]
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There's a lot of things I don't do that I probably should.
[she wants it to be a joke, but she's struggling to even begin to sound lighthearted. she swallows and it feels heavy.]
I don't care if you think you "should" be alone. [ah, there we go. this is the certainty she'd wanted to speak with. why is it easier when it feels like she's admonishing Rose for something? even if that's not the tone she's taking.] You need people more than ever right now. I'm not abandoning you.
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But the app's a fickle thing. How many times now has she grown closer to someone on it, really felt like she could trust them, only for them to forget everything she ever said? She knows it's not exactly leaving her. They're still in her life, still friends at the end of the day. It's not like they chose to abandon her.
Still, it's not the same either.]
You can't promise that. [There's no judgment in her voice though, no accusation or disappointment. Just a statement, a fact.] But I mean, no one can. The app really hates us, y'know?
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[not to belabor the fuckin' point, but she wishes that she could save every one of them. but that's not how it played out for A2, so why should that change with Anna?]
I can't promise it. But I can do my best. For as long as I'm on the app, I'll be here to help you through all this shit. And if I ever fall off, you're still not... you still won't lose me. [not all the way. just like this. just in ways where she can actually be concerned about what's happening to Rose. where they can find common ground about their monstrous transformations and what it means for their lives.]
[she brings up her other hand and places it on top of Rose's. what she says next is fucking stupid and she hates herself for it, but she hasn't forgotten it even though it's been. years and years and years since she's had reason to call Rose this.]
Du bist... immer mein Rosenherz.
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Fuck man, you're gonna make me cry if you keep saying shit like that.
[But it's what she needed to hear. Even if Anna isn't on the app, they'll always have their past together, and that just has to be enough right now. It's better than nothing. It's better than the idea of being absolutely, truly alone.
And that right there is more than enough.]