I'm starting to hate you so much I can hardly stand it. I don't even want to. I've never hated you. I now that, now that I've felt it. But now I know who you are, and you know. I look at you and I see her.
Traitor. Still, I say something like that and it makes me feel sick. I would rather not believe it. And what is a copy of the original since it's never truly the same? Sometimes I think we should truly pity ourselves. What if we had only been strangers instead? "Sisters"... I always thought something must have brought us together, or that maybe we were meant to find each other.
I don't want to feel this way. I don't want to overlook the truth, either. I must admit, I don't know what to do. I don't even know if I can be afraid.
Fake memories, implanted memories, whatever they are. In the end, I just wonder: Do you still believe in them?
This handwritten letter doesn't get sent. It goes in her bedside table with the "present" she received from Retrospec for Christmas, a similar letter to sisters she probably knows.
So here's what she texts:]
Have you gone back to work? Your boss was worried about you.
[It's too easy to feel like a monster these days. Losing her eye to a flower was like icing on the cake, but that's not the only thing. The way she remembers killing people, slaughtering people like it was nothing. How her closest friend seemed to be a dragon of all things. The fact that for all the people she's murdered without a thought, it's apparently her sisters she wants to kill the most.
She's not entirely sure of that last one yet though. She's remembered fighting one of them, and she's not even on the network, but. From what she's remembered of the person she used to be? She doesn't have much hope.
So Jasmine's text, as nagging as it sounds, is almost a relief. At least that's the same as always. Normal as always, or as close to normal as any of them can ask for.]
[When she saw "Zero" for the first time in her dreams, after several of speaking vaguely about the danger, it had been like a knife in the gut. But still, no flower in that dream woman's eye, and a loot entirely different. But it was still...her.
She hasn't been able to reason the discrepancies in physical appearance, but they seem insubstantial compared to...everything else. The danger, the hatred...they're eroding at her slowly, and she's fighting them. Maybe that's why she reaches out.]
Do you have enough money to get by if you keep doing that? It'll be hard if you just keep on staying inside.
you make it sound like i've turned into a hermit i'm going out and i know how to budget
[It's defensive, Jasmine isn't entirely wrong, and it's not even the main point, but she can't help it. For all her messes, money is the one thing she's always been good with. Supporting a family of six for years probably helped with her budgeting skills.]
[Not worried? Not her sister? She's not sure herself which one she means. But Jasmine's always saying "your sisters" as if she isn't one of them. Maybe she doesn't want to be.
Well. Not that that should be surprising. It's probably how she feels anyways. Still, the thought of it hurts.]
[To nag me is what she types out at first, but she knows right away that it's not the whole truth. Sometimes it's just easier to think Jasmine only asks out of concern for the other girls and not for herself. She won't be as disappointed that way.]
[It goes both ways, those worries. It would be much easier if she could just disown someone on the grounds that they were never really related at all. Too bad it doesn't work like that, no matter
It would be ungrateful of me not to try and help you if I thought you needed it.
I guess you don't, though? [There's that question mark there, intentional, making sure that's what Rose actually wants.]
[Which is the honest, genuine truth. Jasmine wanting to help her for herself, not because the others would want her to or because she feels obligated to, would make her happier than she'd ever admit. But she also wants to not be a burden on her, financially or otherwise. She already does enough of that by being the black sheep of the family, she thinks.
Besides that though, as much as she wants help for what's happening, is there any helping it? Can anyone really help her with this? She's not sure.]
[That's one thing she can say about Rose, no matter how angry (or not) she happens to be at her at the time. It never changes. Rose comes out of everything eventually.]
I think you're lucky that man is your boss. He seems to get it.
To be honest, I'm more surprised to hear what happened to you. It seems like every time something happens to someone's body, it stops being a hindrance sooner or later.
But then, isn't that backwards? Something that's really strange would naturally surprise and repulse people.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
text; hope you were having a good weekend before this
I'm starting to hate you so much I can hardly stand it. I don't even want to. I've never hated you. I now that, now that I've felt it. But now I know who you are, and you know. I look at you and I see her.
Traitor. Still, I say something like that and it makes me feel sick. I would rather not believe it. And what is a copy of the original since it's never truly the same? Sometimes I think we should truly pity ourselves. What if we had only been strangers instead? "Sisters"... I always thought something must have brought us together, or that maybe we were meant to find each other.
I don't want to feel this way. I don't want to overlook the truth, either. I must admit, I don't know what to do. I don't even know if I can be afraid.
Fake memories, implanted memories, whatever they are. In the end, I just wonder: Do you still believe in them?
This handwritten letter doesn't get sent. It goes in her bedside table with the "present" she received from Retrospec for Christmas, a similar letter to sisters she probably knows.
So here's what she texts:]
Have you gone back to work? Your boss was worried about you.
oh boy am i ready to die
She's not entirely sure of that last one yet though. She's remembered fighting one of them, and she's not even on the network, but. From what she's remembered of the person she used to be? She doesn't have much hope.
So Jasmine's text, as nagging as it sounds, is almost a relief. At least that's the same as always. Normal as always, or as close to normal as any of them can ask for.]
i know
i haven't gone back yet
soon though
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She hasn't been able to reason the discrepancies in physical appearance, but they seem insubstantial compared to...everything else. The danger, the hatred...they're eroding at her slowly, and she's fighting them. Maybe that's why she reaches out.]
Do you have enough money to get by if you keep doing that? It'll be hard if you just keep on staying inside.
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i'm going out
and i know how to budget
[It's defensive, Jasmine isn't entirely wrong, and it's not even the main point, but she can't help it. For all her messes, money is the one thing she's always been good with. Supporting a family of six for years probably helped with her budgeting skills.]
so you don't have to worry about that
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I know you can manage a budget. [I was going to ask if you needed help, she refrains from saying.]
Your sisters are going to worry if you don't at least check in.
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[Not worried? Not her sister? She's not sure herself which one she means. But Jasmine's always saying "your sisters" as if she isn't one of them. Maybe she doesn't want to be.
Well. Not that that should be surprising. It's probably how she feels anyways. Still, the thought of it hurts.]
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why did you think I contacted you?
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i don't know
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It would be ungrateful of me not to try and help you if I thought you needed it.
I guess you don't, though? [There's that question mark there, intentional, making sure that's what Rose actually wants.]
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[Which is the honest, genuine truth. Jasmine wanting to help her for herself, not because the others would want her to or because she feels obligated to, would make her happier than she'd ever admit. But she also wants to not be a burden on her, financially or otherwise. She already does enough of that by being the black sheep of the family, she thinks.
Besides that though, as much as she wants help for what's happening, is there any helping it? Can anyone really help her with this? She's not sure.]
but i'll be fine
thank you though
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[That's one thing she can say about Rose, no matter how angry (or not) she happens to be at her at the time. It never changes. Rose comes out of everything eventually.]
I think you're lucky that man is your boss. He seems to get it.
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he's way too fucking nice to me
[So much so that it's hard not to just immediately try and shut it down sometimes. She doesn't need pity, she can take care of herself, it's fine.]
i almost wish i'd been on the network when he lost his eye
looking back i reacted the exact same way people do to me now
i hate it
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People who don't use Retrospec stopped mentioning my eyes at all after a few weeks, even if I left home without contacts in.
Is it the same for you?
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i wish
maybe a flower in someone's eye's too fucking weird not to notice
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To be honest, I'm more surprised to hear what happened to you. It seems like every time something happens to someone's body, it stops being a hindrance sooner or later.
But then, isn't that backwards? Something that's really strange would naturally surprise and repulse people.
[...]
Sorry.
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not like you're wrong
honestly i think i'd be more weirded out if people DIDN'T notice