[Isn't that the question though? Honestly, she's starting to wonder herself. No matter what she's heard about people on Retrospec coming back in general, it's just too hard to believe. Besides, this wasn't about Retrospec. It might've been what gave her this flower, but whatever its powers are, it's not because of some app.
No, this bullshit is all her own. Zero's, she supposes, but what difference does it make at this point?]
I think. [There's a pause, and then she shakes her head and scoffs.] No, I should've.
[her hands go up and push her bangs back so she can cradle her forehead. it's not easy to look at her friend in this state.]
I don't even know if I should be happy that you didn't. [this is so difficult. she's trying to walk a tightrope, but they both know which side the net is on, and she's losing her balance. instead, she asks an empty question, something that again she already knows the answer to. it's half to Rose and half to the universe.]
[She keeps her mouth shut because if she's being honest? In that moment where she really, truly thought it was the end—
Oh, she could've drowned in her regrets, sure, but those were always with her anyways. They only ever seemed to grow in number, more and more mistakes to lament, enough to suffocate her until she figured out how to carry them anyways. Those were far and away though, as distant as the sky. In those last heartbeats before her vision blacked out, she understood exactly why Zero smiled when she first laid eyes on the flower, why dying wasn't something to be feared and fought.
Relief. Peace, even. To know that her life, everything, all of it, was finally, mercifully over.
Zero never knew a peace like that in all her life, not even the time spent after. Rose didn't either, and then it was ripped away from her just the same.
Is she happy that she didn't die? She can't answer that. Not out loud at least.]
[and there's the answer, isn't it? Anna's tumbling down off that tightrope into the net, knowing that Rose is already down there with her. saying they landed safely is a bit of a stretch, though. Anna lets out a long sigh, not exasperated but just... exhausted. she wants so very, very badly to be able to do something for Rose, but. it's like she said. Rose doesn't know what to tell her. and Anna doesn't know what to tell Rose. all she can think about is one thing.]
Before I kill Vanderweele.
[bad start, but go on.]
I'm gonna force him to tell me how to get this thing out of you. And we're gonna get it out of you. And I'm gonna stab this fucking flower until it turns into dust.
[At this point Rose is probably the last person who'd judge someone for murder, so at least Anna's in good company!]
Then I'm joining you. I don't care what happens to Vanderweele, but I'm tearing this shitty flower apart with my bare hands if that's what it takes.
[She gives a lazy smile. It's a nice what if to think about instead. Reality is—well, she'd rather not think about it. Too many thoughts end in putting that dragon bone sword to use.]
Trust me. There wasn't a way this played out in my head where you weren't right there with me.
[she wants to talk about metaphor, all she needs to do is think too hard about what Rose means to her again. but she's not going to, and it's probably not something Rose wants to hear right now anyway.]
Whatever that thing is, it doesn't belong here. It's more shit that has no right coming in and staking a claim on your life. [she doesn't know how many times she can say it before it loses its meaning, but she still means it.] I'll pay money to watch you rip this fucking thing apart.
Here's hoping that day comes sooner rather than later. [Does she really believe that day will come? —well, there's no need to answer that.] It's about damn time we got to beat the shit out of something together.
[but she can't bring that normal attitude of hers into her words. she's just letting herself agree. it's gonna have to do. especially when deep down, Anna knows the best solution here is probably for Rose to fall off the app. and she won't... lose Rose if she does, but. Anna's greedy. she's selfish. she wants her in her life like this. where they can talk openly, together, about the awful shit that the app is putting them through. where they can help each other. where she might actually be able to do something for Rose after everything Rose has done for her.]
[she reaches out and touches the back of Rose's hand. it's only now that she can make herself look at her.]
I meant that last thing I said to you. In the dream, after the fight. Just in case you thought that wasn't really me.
[She figured as much honestly, but it's nice to hear it all the same. Maybe a little embarrassing too. What's being open about your feelings and all that? If there's ever a time to be a little more honest though, it's probably on your deathbed. Or alive-again bed in this case.
If only love was enough to save someone, she thinks. But she already learned that lesson with Clover, didn't she?]
Same here. [Her smile softens, a bit rueful, but a little happy too.] Guess I haven't been kicking much ass though.
[of course she remembers it. it drifts in and out, dream that it was, but she remembers the parts with Rose. that conversation is one of the most recent and most powerfully happy dreams she's had, and she's been hanging on to it for dear life.]
Don't worry. I know we're both just doing our best.
[her fingers slowly slip underneath Rose's hand, into her palm, until she's. holding hands with her and trying not to draw attention to it. and Anna had hoped she'd be able to fill the silence with something after saying that, even if it was just platitudinal bullshit, but she can't even come up with something meaningless. nice going.]
[She has half a mind to copy Anna from back in that dream, call it gay with a smile but appreciating it all the same. It'd be a bit easier, take some of the levity of this situation.
But she just holds her hand back, her grip tight yet fragile as she keeps her head bowed, swallowing the lump in her throat. She does not want to cry, especially when even now, there's a part of her that's embarrassed enough by this as is. Rose always picks herself back up no matter what happens. No matter what life throws at her, no matter how she gets hurt. That's how it's had to be for as long as she could remember. That's how it always is, even now.
She's not an idiot though. No matter what she tells herself, just for a little while, she needs this.]
Thanks for coming. [Her voice cracks, and she swallows past the lump again.] I didn't think I'd ever care about getting visitors, but. Guess I do.
[she just wishes for once—for once, after knowing Rose for nearly a fucking decade, that she would know what to say. that she could be open about things like this. that emotions weren't so fucking hard. she sees people like Kara, like Lillian, like Rose's own blue-haired bubbly sister who just let themselves talk about how they feel about each other and themselves and it pisses her off. it's so fucking unbelievably frustrating that saying a handful of words is harder than fighting her way here in the first place was.]
[She says the words thickly before she can think too hard and chicken out. The why isn't something she can bring herself to say—fuck, she can hardly even bring herself to think about it. But that dream, that memory, isn't something she could forget even if she wanted to.
If she's really a walking parasite though, a ticking time-bomb just waiting to set off and destroy the world, well. Maybe she should be alone. Maybe that's safer.
(Never mind how much the mere thought of it terrifies her.)]
[Anna starts squeezing Rose's hand a little harder as soon as she hears what she's saying. this flower... she can only begin to understand what it's doing to her best friend. but Anna isn't going to let that change her answer here. it still takes a few seconds for her response to come, but she's not nearly as frustrated with herself when it does.]
There's a lot of things I don't do that I probably should.
[she wants it to be a joke, but she's struggling to even begin to sound lighthearted. she swallows and it feels heavy.]
I don't care if you think you "should" be alone. [ah, there we go. this is the certainty she'd wanted to speak with. why is it easier when it feels like she's admonishing Rose for something? even if that's not the tone she's taking.] You need people more than ever right now. I'm not abandoning you.
[She holds Anna's hand just as tight, wishing she could bring herself to believe those words. It's not about Anna, because if it was up to her, Rose knows she'd stay true to that no matter what. That she wouldn't abandon her.
But the app's a fickle thing. How many times now has she grown closer to someone on it, really felt like she could trust them, only for them to forget everything she ever said? She knows it's not exactly leaving her. They're still in her life, still friends at the end of the day. It's not like they chose to abandon her.
Still, it's not the same either.]
You can't promise that. [There's no judgment in her voice though, no accusation or disappointment. Just a statement, a fact.] But I mean, no one can. The app really hates us, y'know?
[not to belabor the fuckin' point, but she wishes that she could save every one of them. but that's not how it played out for A2, so why should that change with Anna?]
I can't promise it. But I can do my best. For as long as I'm on the app, I'll be here to help you through all this shit. And if I ever fall off, you're still not... you still won't lose me. [not all the way. just like this. just in ways where she can actually be concerned about what's happening to Rose. where they can find common ground about their monstrous transformations and what it means for their lives.]
[she brings up her other hand and places it on top of Rose's. what she says next is fucking stupid and she hates herself for it, but she hasn't forgotten it even though it's been. years and years and years since she's had reason to call Rose this.]
[She tries to laugh, and it comes out pretty watery, but there's still something of a smile on her face.]
Fuck man, you're gonna make me cry if you keep saying shit like that.
[But it's what she needed to hear. Even if Anna isn't on the app, they'll always have their past together, and that just has to be enough right now. It's better than nothing. It's better than the idea of being absolutely, truly alone.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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No, this bullshit is all her own. Zero's, she supposes, but what difference does it make at this point?]
I think. [There's a pause, and then she shakes her head and scoffs.] No, I should've.
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[her hands go up and push her bangs back so she can cradle her forehead. it's not easy to look at her friend in this state.]
I don't even know if I should be happy that you didn't. [this is so difficult. she's trying to walk a tightrope, but they both know which side the net is on, and she's losing her balance. instead, she asks an empty question, something that again she already knows the answer to. it's half to Rose and half to the universe.]
What can I do to help anymore?
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Oh, she could've drowned in her regrets, sure, but those were always with her anyways. They only ever seemed to grow in number, more and more mistakes to lament, enough to suffocate her until she figured out how to carry them anyways. Those were far and away though, as distant as the sky. In those last heartbeats before her vision blacked out, she understood exactly why Zero smiled when she first laid eyes on the flower, why dying wasn't something to be feared and fought.
Relief. Peace, even. To know that her life, everything, all of it, was finally, mercifully over.
Zero never knew a peace like that in all her life, not even the time spent after. Rose didn't either, and then it was ripped away from her just the same.
Is she happy that she didn't die? She can't answer that. Not out loud at least.]
... I wish I knew what to tell you.
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Before I kill Vanderweele.
[bad start, but go on.]
I'm gonna force him to tell me how to get this thing out of you. And we're gonna get it out of you. And I'm gonna stab this fucking flower until it turns into dust.
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Then I'm joining you. I don't care what happens to Vanderweele, but I'm tearing this shitty flower apart with my bare hands if that's what it takes.
[She gives a lazy smile. It's a nice what if to think about instead. Reality is—well, she'd rather not think about it. Too many thoughts end in putting that dragon bone sword to use.]
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[she wants to talk about metaphor, all she needs to do is think too hard about what Rose means to her again. but she's not going to, and it's probably not something Rose wants to hear right now anyway.]
Whatever that thing is, it doesn't belong here. It's more shit that has no right coming in and staking a claim on your life. [she doesn't know how many times she can say it before it loses its meaning, but she still means it.] I'll pay money to watch you rip this fucking thing apart.
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[but she can't bring that normal attitude of hers into her words. she's just letting herself agree. it's gonna have to do. especially when deep down, Anna knows the best solution here is probably for Rose to fall off the app. and she won't... lose Rose if she does, but. Anna's greedy. she's selfish. she wants her in her life like this. where they can talk openly, together, about the awful shit that the app is putting them through. where they can help each other. where she might actually be able to do something for Rose after everything Rose has done for her.]
[she reaches out and touches the back of Rose's hand. it's only now that she can make herself look at her.]
I meant that last thing I said to you. In the dream, after the fight. Just in case you thought that wasn't really me.
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[She figured as much honestly, but it's nice to hear it all the same. Maybe a little embarrassing too. What's being open about your feelings and all that? If there's ever a time to be a little more honest though, it's probably on your deathbed. Or alive-again bed in this case.
If only love was enough to save someone, she thinks. But she already learned that lesson with Clover, didn't she?]
Same here. [Her smile softens, a bit rueful, but a little happy too.] Guess I haven't been kicking much ass though.
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Don't worry. I know we're both just doing our best.
[her fingers slowly slip underneath Rose's hand, into her palm, until she's. holding hands with her and trying not to draw attention to it. and Anna had hoped she'd be able to fill the silence with something after saying that, even if it was just platitudinal bullshit, but she can't even come up with something meaningless. nice going.]
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But she just holds her hand back, her grip tight yet fragile as she keeps her head bowed, swallowing the lump in her throat. She does not want to cry, especially when even now, there's a part of her that's embarrassed enough by this as is. Rose always picks herself back up no matter what happens. No matter what life throws at her, no matter how she gets hurt. That's how it's had to be for as long as she could remember. That's how it always is, even now.
She's not an idiot though. No matter what she tells herself, just for a little while, she needs this.]
Thanks for coming. [Her voice cracks, and she swallows past the lump again.] I didn't think I'd ever care about getting visitors, but. Guess I do.
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[she just wishes for once—for once, after knowing Rose for nearly a fucking decade, that she would know what to say. that she could be open about things like this. that emotions weren't so fucking hard. she sees people like Kara, like Lillian, like Rose's own blue-haired bubbly sister who just let themselves talk about how they feel about each other and themselves and it pisses her off. it's so fucking unbelievably frustrating that saying a handful of words is harder than fighting her way here in the first place was.]
[this silence is a fucking embarrassment.]
I'm not gonna leave you alone.
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[She says the words thickly before she can think too hard and chicken out. The why isn't something she can bring herself to say—fuck, she can hardly even bring herself to think about it. But that dream, that memory, isn't something she could forget even if she wanted to.
If she's really a walking parasite though, a ticking time-bomb just waiting to set off and destroy the world, well. Maybe she should be alone. Maybe that's safer.
(Never mind how much the mere thought of it terrifies her.)]
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There's a lot of things I don't do that I probably should.
[she wants it to be a joke, but she's struggling to even begin to sound lighthearted. she swallows and it feels heavy.]
I don't care if you think you "should" be alone. [ah, there we go. this is the certainty she'd wanted to speak with. why is it easier when it feels like she's admonishing Rose for something? even if that's not the tone she's taking.] You need people more than ever right now. I'm not abandoning you.
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But the app's a fickle thing. How many times now has she grown closer to someone on it, really felt like she could trust them, only for them to forget everything she ever said? She knows it's not exactly leaving her. They're still in her life, still friends at the end of the day. It's not like they chose to abandon her.
Still, it's not the same either.]
You can't promise that. [There's no judgment in her voice though, no accusation or disappointment. Just a statement, a fact.] But I mean, no one can. The app really hates us, y'know?
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[not to belabor the fuckin' point, but she wishes that she could save every one of them. but that's not how it played out for A2, so why should that change with Anna?]
I can't promise it. But I can do my best. For as long as I'm on the app, I'll be here to help you through all this shit. And if I ever fall off, you're still not... you still won't lose me. [not all the way. just like this. just in ways where she can actually be concerned about what's happening to Rose. where they can find common ground about their monstrous transformations and what it means for their lives.]
[she brings up her other hand and places it on top of Rose's. what she says next is fucking stupid and she hates herself for it, but she hasn't forgotten it even though it's been. years and years and years since she's had reason to call Rose this.]
Du bist... immer mein Rosenherz.
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Fuck man, you're gonna make me cry if you keep saying shit like that.
[But it's what she needed to hear. Even if Anna isn't on the app, they'll always have their past together, and that just has to be enough right now. It's better than nothing. It's better than the idea of being absolutely, truly alone.
And that right there is more than enough.]